When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose
You’re invisible now, you got no secrets to conceal
How does it feel
Bob Dylan, “Like a Rolling Stone”

At some blessed point, we may begin to see traces of grace right in the brokenness itself.
Kent Ira Groff, What Would I Believe If I Didn’t Believe Anything

Life either dwarfs us or grows us.
Joan Chittister, Called To Question

It has been awhile since I have written. Thanks for hanging in there and coming back.

On Saturday July 19 in Grand Rapids, Michigan, the North Central Jurisdiction of The United Methodist Church consecrated a new bishop. I was one of the candidates for this position, but I was not the person chosen.

It was, however, quite a process – exciting, exhausting, affirming, trying. My wife, Julie, and our daughters Beth and Sarah were there to share this time with me, and I was delighted by their willingness to be there with their love and support. My daughter Beth did a marvelous job introducing me to delegations, and I will be ever grateful to her for her kind words. Elected or not, this will always be special to me. I also shared the journey with good friends from Minnesota who were the backbone of my support. I will always be grateful to them, as well, for their energy and for believing in me. Throughout, I found this to be a deeply spiritual experience. I sensed God’s presence at many points, and found resources of faith, hope and love within that are the work of God’s Spirit.

The election process began modestly enough for me. Minnesota has fourteen voting delegates, and on the first ballot I received eighteen votes – seventh out of eleven candidates who received more than ten votes on that ballot. I was obviously not receiving much support from other delegations. I thought I might be exiting rather quickly and quietly, though I had told my delegation that I intended to hang around for awhile. When I jumped thirteen votes on the second ballot, I sensed something might be happening. By ballot seven, I was the top vote getter, a place that was unexpected. My family and I wondered, “Could this really happen?” By ballot ten, I was the top vote getter by almost fifty votes. My totals were about 41% of those voting and it takes 60% for election. I was honored and excited, but I did not become too expectant, as I had seen other episcopal elections where the early leader stalls and others come to the fore. Though I continued to be the top vote getter for eleven ballots, my support stalled. By ballot eighteen, I was in second place – holding my own, but not gaining much either. During the process other candidates were withdrawing from consideration. After ballot eighteen, there were three of us remaining, and I continued to maintain second place. When the person receiving the third most votes withdrew after ballot twenty-two and the person who was receiving the most votes came close to being elected on the next ballot, I withdrew my name and invited delegates to support him. The handwriting was on the wall. The Rev. Dr. Julius Trimble was elected bishop on ballot twenty-four on Friday July 18, and he was consecrated July 19. Bishop Trimble will be serving the Iowa Area of The United Methodist Church and I wish him every blessing in his new work.

For a text of my withdrawal speech, reconstructed from notes and memory, please see my other blog: Bard's Brushstrokes

One of the great gifts of the spiritual life – the transformation of contradiction into paradox. - - - Parker Palmer

When I said “yes” to becoming a candidate for bishop, with the encouragement of others and following my own inner sense of God’s direction, I felt a great sense of paradox. Now was not the best time to leave a congregation I have been working with for only three years. Becoming a bishop would have meant some challenges for our family at this time. Still, I needed to do this.

Now I find myself working with another paradox. When I sat down to vote after offering my withdrawal speech, I felt a deep sense of peace. Coming back to Duluth would work nicely for my family and for my church. When I returned to my church I was overwhelmed and delighted by how many people had been following the election on-line. Their care and support upon my return was a genuine joy. I am also feeling disappointment. To have been privileged to receive so much support and yet to fall short was disappointing. To have worked so hard, and to have had others work so hard on my behalf, and not to get elected is disappointing. There have been moments when I have thought to myself, “This may be the best you will ever do in this process” and that doesn’t feel particularly good. Then again, such “what if” thinking is really counterproductive in countless situations. So I live with this sense of peace and sense of disappointment, and at their best, they are forming themselves into an interesting paradox in my life. Here’s another paradox – I still believe I have the kind of gifts needed in a bishop for The United Methodist Church in this new century, yet I also believe God has formed gifts in me for pastoral ministry and community leadership.

So that’s how it feels. In the midst of this new paradox, I am looking to learn and grow again, looking to find out more about who I am and where God is inviting me to be. I am looking for traces of grace even in the brokenness – though “brokenness” may be too strong a word here. Yet it fits, too. My experience of brokenness is that it is often a breaking open of heart and mind, often uncomfortable, but opening up new possibilities. To a mind that I hope is already agile and adroit, even more flexibility and new ways of thinking might be added. To a heart that I hope is already capacious, even more space may be under construction in this time of paradox -disappointment and peace, brokenness and healing. I am disappointed, but not discouraged. I am at peace, yet a certain restlessness remains. I know the adventure of life with faith and with feathers goes on. With Joan Chittister, I am committed to letting life and the God of life, grow me. I prefer not to be dwarfed.

With Faith and With Feathers,

David

P.S. If you have read this for any length of time, you know of my love for music. Here is a song that reminds me not to let life dwarf me. If you listen to it, please do so with a sly, self-deprecating smile. That’s how I like to listen to it.


John Mayer, "Bigger Than My Body